Cowboy Casanova

I wasn’t gonna make this post, because I don’t want to drag anyone through the dirt, but I need to get this out. Bottling my emotions is just making me have random sobbing fits and anger toward those undeserving of it. In no way am I saying that I am perfect. I make mistakes all the time.

Every story has a different side for each angle someone is looking in. This is my side.

Unfortunately, this is going to be a rather sad post, but my hope is that by the end I can muster up some inspirational words: both for others, and for myself.

I have this hole in my chest. This pit. It wreaks. It wreaks of havoc and pain.

He was a boy, she was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? (Avril Lavigne… Sk8r Boi? Anyone?)

Anyway, he (let’s call him X) and I met freshman year of highschool. He was the class clown of Civics and I wanted to pay attention to my school work. Flash forward to the very end of Senior year. We start dating. All is well. Flash forward again to July 2016. X and I had just taken in a dog together. We were not living together but he was at my house, my parent’s house, virtually every night anyway. Her name was Delilah. X watched Delilah at my house for us while Mom, Dad and I traveled to St. Jude. We were expecting good news. We would travel home and all would be back to normal, right?

Wrong.

I had relapsed. I had two new brain tumors, one in the Fourth Ventricle (same as first), and another in the Right Frontal Horn; both tumors were Anaplastic Ependymoma. Firstly, they had to be removed. Two or three weeks of recovery and I was actively doing Radiation Treatments. I had thirty. One a day, five days a week. X stayed at my house during this time to take care of Delilah.

The radiation caused some setbacks. Short-term memory loss, slow reflexes, etcetera etcetera, but the most dangerous thing it caused, is necrosis of the brain. Necrosis is the death of healthy tissue. I’ll let you put two and two together there.

My last radiation treatment was September 21, 2016. I went home for a few weeks and was back in Memphis before Halloween for new scans. I ended up having to stay to get Hyperbaric Oxygen (HBO). Hyperbaric Oxygen is a treatment used to promote healing. Medical professionals use it for wound care. Athletes use it to heal injuries faster and, I believe, also to spruse themselves up for a major game. HBO can be recieved in a single person chamber, or a multiple person chamber. I was in a chamber that could hold twleve patients and a nurse, though that would be very crowded. Anyway, there is also research to suggest that HBO also helps to stop necrosis of the brain.

I stayed in Memphis until late January, even had Christmas at the Ronald McDonald House. X came to see me for Christmas and proposed infront of everyone. It was very romantic and of course I said yes. When I got home in January, X had been staying at my house for so long, it just seemed silly for him to leave so he sort of gradually moved in with me and my parents.

This is where the tables start to turn in our relationship.

X and I start to notice things that bother each of us about the other. No biggy. That’s bound to happen when someone first moves in. We sit down and talk and compromise ways to fix it so we can both be happy.

All is great… Until it isn’t.

My memory loss is getting to be bad now. Now I’m losing money and I cannot for the life of me remember what I spent it on or if I dropped it or anything else that could have happened to it. X is there for me and says that it’s okay and it must be my memory loss getting worse, but not to worry because we’re gonna get through it. Then I started losing any cash I ever had in my wallet. I decided to stop carring cash. I only had it when it was absolutely necessary.

Now it’s Memphis time again. Guess what? There’s a rando spot on my brain that could be a tumor or it could be more necrosis. This means more HBO for me. From August to late October of 2017 I was back living at the Ronald McDonald House of Memphis and recieving HBO. Towards the middle-ish of October, X paid me a visit. For some reason, his embrace didn’t feel the same. He felt disconnected. We felt disconnected.

X went home a day early to go back to work the following day at the local supermarket. My dad, who stayed home to work and pay bills, happened by the supermarket and did not see X. Dad asked the manager on duty if X was there and the manager told my dad that X wouldn’t be back until the following day. Dad called me and I just thought, surely he was there and the guy just didn’t know he had been there. Dad said he was gonna go take a ride because he thinks he knew where X might be. I asked him not to confront him. Staying true to my wishes, he only took a picture of X’s vehicle in front of a family member’s home and sent it to me. After I made sure that the vehicle belonged to X, I asked X if he was still at work. X replied with, “Si one hour left”.

I lost it. There was a mix of heartbreak and anger. The love of my life had just left me in Memphis, a day early, and lied to me about the reason, then continued to lie about it. When X knew he had been caught, he started with his “I’m sorry I’m sorry!!!”, but it wasn’t enough. I said to get the f*** out. With A LOT more emotion involved.

“But, Rachael…. it’s just a little lie??”

It’s not just A little lie. It’s a LOT of little lies. Over three years I had been lied to a lot! This was simply the last straw. I didn’t have any more patience for it. I deserved better.

Over the next few days I was told I could go home and I agreed to allow X to come see me and try to clean up our messy relationship.

When we got home, though, our house had been robbed. Doors were all locked and dead-bolted shut. Windows all locked, all except one- mine. I ALWAYS keep my window locked! This was very, very strange. Someone had crawled into the house through MY window and robbed our home. Only, they didn’t go through everything. They only took a few things, but only valuable things. The cops came, yadda yadda. They found some DNA and fingerprints, but most everyone, except me, already suspected X. The cops went to X’s workplace and took his fingerprints. X texted me, shocked, “Yall got broken into?!”.

It was all an act. A few days later, cops see him on sercurity footage selling our stolen items at a pawn shop. A few days after, October, 27, X is arrested for robbery and theft exceeding $500.

After X’s arrest, I talked to his parents, whom I still love, and asked about a lot of things he’d told me over the years. Everything, down to day one was a big lie. How could I be so blind as to not question things that don’t add up? How could I bring this person into my home and expose him to me neices and nephew? My parents? My friends?

I will never be able to prove it, but X was taking my money and making me think I was losing my mind.

Oh he knew how to look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what I wanted to hear, even when it wasn’t true. He knew how to get just what he wanted: someone to support him. X knew my parents would never let me fall, and if he stayed with me, he knew he would be taken care of. He knows how to play the game. He’s good at it. It’s funny, I sang “Cowboy Casanova” at my high school talent show seinor year. I didn’t realize I would ever meet one.

I have 100% faith that X’s parents did not raise him to act like this. I do not lay blame on X’s family for what he has done. I NEVER want any harm to come to X’s family or X because of this. X is getting his. I truly hope that X can find help to overcome the lying. I think X even believed some of the lies he was telling, but that still does not make what he did to me and my family okay. We were supposed to get married December 3, 2017. I chose to take that day and devote it to God. I got baptized that day at the 9 AM Sunday service at Healing Place Church in Baton Rouge. I have been taking this time to reflect on my life and move on the best I can. Some nights, like tonight, are haunted by memories of the good days, before it became a shitshow.

I have made a promise to myself to never to let anything take away the light that pours out of me. Do I trust too quickly, honestly yes. However, I am honest. I am loyal. I am encouraging, some would even venture to say insprational (😉). I am but five foot nothing but I hold my head high above the negativity.

Never give away your light. Once you find it, hold onto it tightly. Don’t close it in though, you have to share it. The more you share it, the more it grows and glows! Think of it as fire. Fire needs oxygen to burn. When all the oxygen is burned up, the fire goes out. Feed your fire. Even in hard times, especially in hard times. My favorite quote from Harry Potter, and consequently my #teamrachael motto, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light”.

You deserve to be happy. You deerve to find true love. I hope that one day that dream come true for me and for you.

Much love❤

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