Over the past couple of weeks I have been so extremely stressed it’s affecting everything I do. When I try to let go of some stress, something comes along and stresses me out again. I am finally in my final semester of college and it’s great, I’m so excited to graduate in May! All my life, I was lucky enough for school to come naturally to me. I was always on the honor roll and I loved to learn.
Now I see the effects from extensive cancer treatment on my brain more than ever. A few years ago, four or five classes was nothing for me. Easy-peasy.
Now I am struggling more than ever trying to stay on track with the other students and I am not even doing that in two of my classes. I thank God for allowing me to have these two professors who are so understanding and willing to help me.
I used to read all the time! I loved it. Now when I go to read, it’s so hard. I sit there staring at the words on the page. These words are words that I know and that I know well, but when I look at the words, my brain doesn’t immediately process what they say. I know I’ve seen the word many times before, I know that I know the word, but I can’t process what the word actually is. I’m looking right at the word and still have no idea what it says for a few seconds. A few seconds doesn’t sound very long but it happens so often that it takes me 30 minutes to read something that would have before taken me five. This is very inconvenient when reading things like Plato’s The Allegory of the Cave.
I always knew the best way for me to learn things, until this semester. This semester I have had to learn a new way of learning. I have had to throw out what used to work and develop a new technique.
Learning has never been so difficult or so utterly terrifying for me.
I know that many people have suffered from learning disabilities their entire lives and have graduated high school and college, and even gotten graduate degrees. I am over here applauding you all because this is hard. I’m not quite sure how you did it, but I am so very proud of you. Thank you for being my inspiration to keep going and find the best way for me. I know I can do this because so many others have had these problems and have accomplished far greater than a philosophy class.
I am very grateful that God gave me this opportunity and I am not going to waste it.
Another reason I have been so incredibly stressed is because scans are coming up. I return to St. Jude on April 1st (Easter Sunday) and scans ensue the following day. A few weeks ago, my sister Dee picked me up from school and we met my mom and some other family at Cracker Barrel. I hadn’t been feeling well that day and by the end of the meal, I could only stare at the table and hold my head. I felt insanely weak, like I could not get up without falling. I had a sharp pain in my head and I was dizzy. Everyone, including CB staff, was very worried about me. I have been sleeping a lot lately and feeling fatigued almost constantly. Headaches frequently.
It’s scaring the hell out of me.
I’m so scared to go to St. Jude and find out I’ve relapsed once more.
My stress level is extremely high and i know that stress and anxiety can do all sorts of crazy things to the body, but it doesn’t take away the fear. I’m trying to be strong and do the things I need to get done it’s just been so hard lately. I go to voice lessons once a week and therapy once a week and they are my vices. Therapy allows me to pour my heart out and say everything on my mind in a safe environment and music always makes me feel better. Singing gives me strength. Singing brings me joy and puts a smile on my face each time I do it.
I’m trying to give it all to God. He is the lamp unto my path and He will guide me through this phase in my life.
Thanks for reading, guys.
Much love ♥️