April 3, 2018

Fear. Heart racing. Internal screaming. Looking between people. Dry throat, no words. The doctors’ voices goes in and out. No visible tears, but obvious sadness.

“What do we do? What can we do?” Mom mutters.

“We have options” Dr. Merchant sighs.

As he begins to list off the very limited amount of options my mind vacates the room.

To myself I think “options? That’s good. Maybe a cure”

I tune back in just in time to hear “its past the point of curative. We are at palliative care now”

Great. How comforting.

Cool. This is okay. It’s all going to be okay.

I try and collect my thoughts. I hear Mom asking questions. Glad she can speak. All I can do is stare from the door to the floor.

I knew the cancer would come back but I thought I had more time. Time to live and be a normal person. Time to just be 22. Maybe finish college and go on to study Music Therapy. Go out with friends and get drunk. I mean I wouldn’t do that, but having the option is nice. I thought maybe I’d fall in love and someone would love me.

Back to reality

I say, more for myself than my parents, “I’ve done this twice. I’m not ready to die. Gods got this. He won’t give me anything I can’t handle”

And then, like I truly meant the words I’d just said, I threw the papers in my hand to the ground and said “this just fucking sucks.”

I think everyone was surprised by my words but also understood my frustration.

I don’t sleep much that night.

Today, April 6, 2018

After many tests, I’m on my way home for the weekend. I chose a brand-spanking new chemotherapy trial. I will be the sixth person in the world to try this non FDA approved drug. Sound dangerous? Probably. This was my only option other than to go home and wait to die. If I don’t do this, unfortunately the tumor will grow. More tumors will grow. There’s also the fact that if I don’t do this, they won’t have the research. St. Jude always needs research. It’s a research hospital!

I have to take this chance so that I can have a chance to see my nieces and nephew grow up. I have to take this chance so that hopefully one day I can give my love to someone.

I have so much love to give away.

So much I wanna do.

I’m not ready to die.

The scariest thing about Death knocking on your door? It’s not that this will be painful. I’ll be okay. I will be with my Father in Heaven, painless and joyful, singing praises unto Jesus’s feet. The scariest part is not knowing how my loved ones will take it. Knowing I won’t be there to wipe away the tears. I can’t kiss them on the cheek, hug their necks, and tell them I’m okay.

Some people don’t like to even talk about it. I find things easier to handle if I talk about them.

That’s the whole reason I started this blog.

So, when I am home, I will make sure all my family, all my friends know I love them dearly & that I am okay. I cannot promise that I won’t scream and get mad because being okay now doesn’t mean I shan’t have breakdowns.

But I know God sees me. I know He hears my thoughts and prayers. If He calls me to Heaven early, it will be an honor to see His face.

Much love ♥️

12 thoughts on “Relapse

  1. Cheryl Mierisch Zieglet

    Dear Rachael.
    You are a gifted young woman admired by so many.
    It’s understandable how many mixed emotions you have.
    Keep fighting and we will continue to pray for you ❤️
    Love always

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Mary Campbell

    Rachael, your writing explains it all. You can fight this and know that everyone who loves you is cheering for you. Since I first met you I noticed you have grown more spiritually with God. Praise God for your strength, faith, and love. Continue to sing his praises and I will continue to pray for you and your family.
    Mary Campbell
    Love you,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Molly

    Rachael as I am sure you have heard a million times, “I wish I could waive a magic wand over you” and you body be completely healed from this hideous disease. I love reading your Blog, I just hate the context. If you need to scream this weekend then by all means scream. Don’t hold anything in. You are so blessed to have a wonderful family to help you thru this. I feel so honored to have known you since you were born and admire your honest, carefree, funny, carismic, and above all Brave character. This world would be such a better place if every 22 year old had such a strong Faith. You just keep being Rachael and let God take care of the rest. The eye of the Tiger song you spoke of a few days ago fits you Perfect. Praying for you today and always.
    Mrs. Molly

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jennifer

    Beautifully written. My daughter was a patient at St. Jude . 10 yrs old. She fought ostesosarcoma for over a yr. she went ok to Heaven last month.

    Her biggest worry was us.

    She was my youngest.

    Only 10.

    She left behind a brother and a sister who love her.

    But you know what? We are ok. Have we cried, yes. A ton. So many tears.
    But to see her out of pain is a blessing.

    She is safe. I’m not sure if there is a special entrance for St. Jude patients but if there is, I’m sure she will hug you and say welcome home.

    Of course there are miracles. Miracles.

    I read one every day.

    I could be reading your miracle one day.

    Just know, your family will always, always love you.

    Praying for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Emily

    Oh the freaking tears!! I’m really glad I read this today, after we all hung out and played cards against humanity because having this on my mind would’ve been so much harder when hugging you. I love you so much my girl. You’ve got this! You’ve got a wedding and another Harry Potter movie to attend!! ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dodie Melancon

    You are an amazing and beautiful person with more faith than most your age. I will be praying for a miracle for you and comfirt and peace for your family. I have prayer warriors too. Don’t give up Rachel. Our God is mighty and powerful!! You are a blessing to many. With much love…from an old first grade teacher.

    Liked by 1 person

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